Sunday, July 26, 2009

Just my thoughts

I don't know if anyone reads this anymore - facebook has taken over. And really, I just haven't had time since mid-March to do anything.

Like I said, I don't know if anyone will see this or not, but it's a place for me to put down my thoughts where my mom and sister probably won't see them.

This nightmare began March 18th. There were good times in there, though, where life wasn't consumed by the face that Lori has cancer. We all thought that there would be a quick resolution to the cancer by way of a transplant. Two weeks ago, that dream was shot down. The cancer had spread to a lymph node next to the liver. The doctors are all very quick to say that it was a very small spot and that it's treatable, BUT there is no cure. Once cancer cells are in the lymph system, the outlook isn't good. They are planning to fight this as best they can, though. The plan is to control and contain the cancer and attempt to keep it from spreading.

So all that sounds doable. But once again, Lori doesn't do things the easy way. Not that she chooses to do things the hard way, that's just the way things work for Lori. We are now 13 days from surgery and back in the hospital. She's experiencing some complications from surgery. Their is a small blockage in the small intestine. My sister just can't catch a break. And she's in so much pain. I know it's hard to experience the pain, but it's awfully hard to watch her go through the pain. I just don't want her life to be spent in pain. Hopefully this will take care of the unbearable pain.

Then there's my parents. I have tried to put myself in their shoes. What if this were one of my daughters. I can't imagine. I would want to die in their place - or die with them. I couldn't do it. So I know they are hurting. There are times when they are ok - but the look in their eyes will never be the same again. I'll never forget as long as I live the look - or rather lack of one - in my mom's eyes as they wheeled her back from the pre-op area July 13th. My mother will never be "my mother" again. She is forever changed. She was going to have the awesome opportunity to save her daughter's life and that opportunity was taken from her. I don't know how you endure something like this without it changing you, but at the same time, I'm selfish when I say that I want my children to experience the fun-loving nana that they've known since they were born. I don't want to have to explain why things have changed so much.

But overall, I know that we are not the only family to have ever gone through this. My biggest question is, "How?". How do you go on? How do you keep living life so positively? How do you explain things to your young children? How do you care for your sister who's in pain? How do you comfort your parents? How? Those and many more are the questions that I don't have answers to right now - and may never has the answers for.

I also know God says He will never give us more than we can handle. But I have to admit, that I'm wondering how much more any of us can take.

9 comments:

Chris & Amanda said...

I am still reading the blog. I have had you guys on my heart for the past few weeks. Still praying for healing! And also for pain relief! Love you!

Melanie said...

Still reading! (Nice thing about Google reader...) Anyway...I can't even imagine what you are going through, but you are all in my prayers.

Adam & Carrie Tungate said...

Cheri, we're still reading too! I'm so sorry that you and your family and especially Lori are having to go through this. I don't have the words, but please know that we're praying and we won't stop! We love you guys.

Chrissy Cross said...

I am sorry that you are experiencing this terrible time with Lori. It is absolutely horrific the medicine, treatments, side effects, physical trials that cancer causes. It is so difficult to watch someone you love go through that. It is only human to wonder what the heck God has in mind. Don't forget that God only wants good for His children. And He would never give a burden to someone that they couldn't bear, but that doesn't mean bearing the burden is easy. And never feel bad about questioning why you are chosen for that burden. Just trust, even when you feel you are staring death in the face, just trust that God will be with You, and He will. He is with you and Lori and your parents right now and He will never leave.

Amy said...

Cheri - I can't imagine how you feel right now but know that we are all hear for you and praying for you and your family!

Larissa said...

I'm kind of at a loss for words...for you, for me, for how any of this makes sense. There's so many things in life that don't make sense, and that are certainly difficult to explain to your children. I haven't quite mastered that one yet, myself. I hate seeing my friends go through pain. I do know that Lori, you, your parents are all stronger than you know, and if that's hard for you to believe; know that God believes in you more than you can imagine. Saying lots of prayers for you all.

psn4athome said...

You are all in my daily prayers and I know that God has a plan for each of you. Know that we love you.

Lauren said...

Cheri, I am so sorry that you all are going having to experience this. We love you all so much and are praying for all of you!

Robyn said...

Cheri, my heart is hurting for you and there just don't seem to be words that seem adequate enough to send comfort from far away. A song keeps running through my mind that talks about some of these questions . . . we've prayed for miraculous healing and why hasn't that been answered; why does a mother ever have to lose a child. The answer the song gives is so that God's promise of holding us can be felt, experienced and praised. I don't know if that offers you any comfort at all. It has challenged me and also given me comfort in hard times . . . knowing that His promises were still being fulfilled in my life brought some peace. Even when I have been down right mad at God, which He can totally handle, He proved to me that not only was He in control, but He was still compassionately and lovingly holding me. Run to His arms - tell Him EVERYTHING you think and feel and expect to receive His blessings. It may take years to see what all blessings you are receiving now, but you will eventually see all of them and you'll it will indeed change you forever. We believe alongside with you that the Lord is still in the business of working miracles, so we'll pray that for your family with you believing that He will send the exact miracle that you need. Blessings, my friend!